JEWISH IDIOT'S ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ETIQUETTE AND GENTLEMANSHIP                                                                                                                  By Maximillien de Lafayette                                                                                                             

THE DOS AND DON'TS IN DINING WITH A JEWISH PRINCESS.

FOLLOW THESE 13 RULES TO WIN HER HEART AND MUCH MUCH MORE...OR  BE A SCHMUCK AND SPEND THE REST OF THE NIGHT WITH YOUR DOG AND A FROZEN PIZZA!

 

Mon cher ami, whether you are a Jew or a gentile, what would you offer a Jewish princess, Michele Alliot-Marie, the Secretary of Defense of France,  the majestic Monica Crowley, the walking gossips encyclopedia, Joan Rivers, the outrageous Anna Nicole Smith, a bankrupt woman who teaches creative financing and financial success at NYU or a humble Filipina woman who cleans your house, if you ask them out? What would you offer them to drink, if you go on a date with any of them? Champagne, a blessed water by your parish priest, a  frozen Martini, a Rolling Rock, a Calvados,  a Petrus, an Armagnac, a Sancerres or a Hershey's syrup? Shame on you if you do not choose Champagne. Really, it does not make any difference, nor it does alter the refined manners protocol, and the way you treat a lady, whether you go out with a woman of a privileged status or a woman who drives a truck four by four with an expired license plate. All women are ladies and deserve the ultimate respect and your "savoir faire". If you do not agree,  get a life, coconut head. You treat people well, not because they are important, but because good manners and gentleman-ship are important to you. It would be impossible to cover all the territories of dating etiquette in one single article. So, we will talk about the most important things -the very very basic- a man should take into consideration, while dining with a Jewish woman, regardless whether he is in the company of sweet Rachel, shy Esther or barracuda Gloria.

 

THE DON'TS: 1-Don't order the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu. 2- Don't ask her if she is really hungry. 3-Don't tell her  how much you know about food and expensive wine. 4- Don't talk about you ex-girlfriend or your ex-wife and how much they ripped you off. 5- Don't tell her how much you made on the stock market. 6-Don't brag about your BMW or Mercedes. 7-Don't ever go out on a budget. 8-Don't EVER ask her to split the tab. 9-Dont even dare to say you're  having a dinner here, and you will get a drink somewhere else, because somewhere else, the drinks are cheaper. 10- Don't ever try to invite her  to an early bird dinner or to "all you can eat" joint. 11- Don't eat and talk at the same time, especially if you are having problem chewing and keeping  your chin straight up . 12-And the ultimate rule is: Don't arrive late.

THE DOS: These are extremely important rules you MUST FOLLOW. If you manage to  comply with 10 rules out of ten, you will score highly and you will look like a one million bucks. Be proud of yourself. You are a perfect gentleman. If you succeed in following 9 or 8 rules out of 10, you are still ok but not so great. 7 rules? so so.  You need work! Anything below 6, don't expect  from the lady, more than a hand shake. Comprende amigo? Below 4? You should have stayed home and ordered a DiGiorno!

Here we go.

1- Usually, refined and polite guests or dates avoid taking advantage of their host (s). Meaning, the price is always a delicate and fragile matter, when somebody else is picking up the tab. So, it is your duty to make your date feel comfortable in ordering anything from the menu without worrying about whether you can or cannot  afford what she ordered from the menu. One way to do so -for example-  is to take the liberty to  order for yourself an appetizer which is not cheap. And slowly slowly, smoothly smoothly, discretely discretely, tactfully tactfully, you direct  your polite fingers toward the appetizer you chose and strategically you let your fingers slip toward an adjacent area of  the price. So, your date could and would notice that you did not order a cheap appetizer. This would allow her to feel more at ease in ordering a pricey or a half way pricey appetizer or an entree without feeling embarrassed. Remember, good food is not cheap! If you think dinning etiquette  and refined manners  are expensive, try ignorance. It would cost you more.

2-Turn off you cellular phone or bury it somewhere.

3-Always and always open the door for your lady, walk besides her or after her, if the walking passage or the entrance is narrow, except if you have to fight your way ahead to get through. And when you reach your table,  pull out a chair for her, serve her and let her sit first.  Stand up every and each time, your date leaves and returns to the table.

4- If you are dining in a restaurant where live entertainment is provided, use your charm and tactics to encourage  the singer or the strolling musicians to  come closer to your table and sing  or play for your lady. An extra touch of romance would not hurt.

Photo: Esther: "One way to deal with him."

This is a nice and a sweet move.  And tip them well, very well if you can afford it.

 5- It would be nice and classy  if you could buy  your lady one or two roses  from the flowers man or the flowers lady, if such service is available at the restaurant.

6-Always remain attentive to what she is saying. Don't fake it. She will find out. Usually people do. Be part of what it interests her, at least for a while. This would please her a lot.

7-Tip...tip...tip well, tip everybody: The waiters, the bartenders, the doorman, the coat check person, everybody who served you that night. Remember, generosity hides all vices!

8-Use the  valet parking service if available. Or park your car as close as possible to the entrance of your destination. Don't let your lady walk a long distance, shine or rains. Please, do not attempt to find a  distant free parking, because you want to save a few bucks. Your lady will notice that.

9-Always and always, order a  good bottle of wine, never order wine by the glass, this is of course if your date likes wine. And remember to drink your wine as if you were holding your lady under the rains. Sharing a glass of wine with your lady is a lovely affair and a delightful experience. French compare a bottle wine to a refined lady. This is why, a bottle of wine is always wrapped up in a fine  white linen, exactly as a classy lady  would do when she dresses up.

10-It would be nice and sweet, if in a way you could find out about your date's favorite digestive and dessert. This could and would be a "beau geste" to surprise her with. Here is another chance for you to score again!

11-And if you are expecting something, or hoping for something to happen at the end of your "sortie", let your date take the initiative. Don't be pushy. Don't be aggressive. Macho-ism does not help here. Hold your horses and hope for the best. Remember, cher monsieur, you  simply bought a dinner, not Taj Mahal!

12-Dress to the nines, regardless where you are going or where you are meeting your date. Especially if you are meeting the lady for the first time. Leave your jeans in the dryer. And please do not wear a yellow tie or a blazer with a blue jeans. Forget about Gianni Versace and Giorgio Armani. They are already over-exposed, over-stated and over-rated. Instead, go for Smalto, Christian Dior, Cerrutti, Brioni, de Givenchy, Ermenegildo Zegna. And don't feel embarrassed if you smell good. You are not going to lose your manhood if you wear a civilized man eau de cologne.  Don't worry, you are not going to look like a sissy. Women like men who smell good. A Christian Dior Fahrenheit or Eau Sauvage is perfect. Jacomo's Eau Cendree is terrific for the occasion, go for it

13- And..................................................the very next day, send her a bouquet of white roses with a "thank you" note for the lovely evening you spent with her. This should do it...for now.

End of the article.